Sunday, October 16, 2011

Hopes and fears.

i should post about my awesome experience meeting Hujanband.
ahh, that was super awesome legendary feeling! heh....
but this morn, i feel like posting this one entry that had been in my draft box for sometimes :)

ok,this is one complicated and sad thing for me.

once upon a time, i classified myself as a wedding-hater.
(hah, how good was my intro?)

it was before lah, the time when i am so not matured,
i hate when there are some changes after the marriage happened,
people said, nothing change 
and i was like yes, yes, U LIED! *big eyes*

here some stories of my version on how i develop myself to this point of view.

i remember how hard my mother convinced me when my 1st brother going to marry Kak Zila.
she was scared because she think that i cant welcomed another girl to my family.
well, no deny at first i am 'buat perangai', such a stupid girl when i feel like i get less attention from my parents,,,

ahhh, old days...

but it was before the wedding.
after the wedding, it doesn't take me a long time to be a bff, gossip-partner with Kak Zila.
perhaps Kak Zila also pray hard for me to lembut hati. ;P

HAHAHAHA stupid girl!

when my 2nd brother getting married, i am 'cerdik' already, so i can handle the situation smoothly. hehe
it just i feel a little empty (just so little) inside me because i kinda super-close with him among other brothers.

but that's when i learned things change and i cant do nothing but to accept,
not everything can go on with how we want and imagine to happened,
and also...
nothing stay the same forever :')

even sometimes i was heartbroken on how people and environment changes while i want them just...not to change, i am pandai enough to let go of some part that that i think most important in my life :')


i experienced some situation when a friendship was sacrificed when the other friend committed to another commitment .
(please understand what im trying to say)

my heart was broken, so bad....

(still struggle to get rid of that actually.)

my father would say to me "biar lah kt dia. pikir pasal kita sudah lah."
i just looked down and quiet.
i hold my tears and talked to myself,
"they dont know how i feel. they are not the one who are friend with her and they dont know how much i miss her."

its hard to explain, i dont know what the best words to describe what i feel.
i am sad, i am hurt, i am broken, i am fall into pieces.

i have lost my bestfriend, the one friend that i thought can be with me forever.

but top of it, i redha. like some people said "redha-seredha-redhanya"
and i always pray for her happiness.

and im now prepared for the worst of everything!
im prepared for the thing that i scared the most.
i know i'll cry a lot, maybe like everyday but i know i'll be okay. 
as me sure for myself that i hate so much 'perpisahan', it's worst enough that this is our final semester together (coursemate and the idiots) and i keep imagine how is our life after we separate. 
when will we meet again?
can we still joking around like we used to do?
can we still meet up at fast food restaurant at 2am?
sighh, too much thing in my head...


it's bleeding hurt.

(this pictures might not related, maybe this is under pressure-spell)


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